I don’t talk about you very much. When the subject of you is brought up and semi-interested people ask where you are or how we are doing, I answer very briefly and dismissively. To be honest, I feel a bit of discomfort when I am grilled about you by friends or acquaintances, that is clearly not the normal response to situations like that. I have done a lot of thinking about this and have come to a sure conclusion that I plainly do not wish to share stories of you or us to ears who are just half-listening.
“We’re doing very good” or “He is doing well but is regrettably very busy”, are what i usually say. Vague understatements are good for bowing out of a certain topic.
We don’t have much pictures together either but that’s on us,i guess, and that is okay.
I have tried to remember the time when you slowly changed but it was more like you instantly snapped out of a haze and became one of the most resilient and hardworking people know. 3 years back I would have never imagined that i would be saying this about you because at that point, I was already starting to get legitimately worried about what you were or were not doing with your life. You were getting extremely comfortable with just cruising through it. You didnt want any of my input, i didnt want to nag. I still wanted to be a part of your life, so even if it meant just sitting on the sidelines for some time and letting you do whatever, that’s what i did because somehow I knew there were things you just had to get out of your system. This sounds extremely indulgent and it would be if you didnt pull your turn-around, i knew it was going to happen but i still was very much surprised, both pleasantly and incredulously.
Here is a list of the things you have voiced strong dislike for: Bad acting, oily fried food, mediocre sinigang, rude people and MOST OF ALL: my chipped nail polish (so tired of hearing that shit that i stopped wearing polish for the moment). Those are super petty things but what is amazing is that you have never complained about hard work of any sort, not even on the internet where it is pretty much deemed acceptable for people to gripe to their hearts content. You have this way of just plainly stating things without sounding like a whiny little bitch, something i am aware that i am guilty of but am trying to cut out because i admire you so much.
I wonder if you have ever complained about me to anyone. That would be very interesting.
You are very patient with me. I have this little fear that one day you will just be fed up with my problematic artsy shit. How do you even deal with me when out of the blue on a day that started out so well, i go batshit about how i don’t think i have any dreams ( for the record, i do) and whatever else i feel like being neurotic about. You are patient with me when i am sad, when i am indecisive, when i feel like being unkempt and uncooperative. Your patience doesnt mean that you let me get away with things, you dont let me walk all over you. You put your foot down, but lovingly, gently and very diplomatically.
Though you are not a big fan of verbally stating your affections, you have unknowingly supplied me with two things i need from a relationship. I am very blessed to be on the receiving end of an abundance of your patience and understanding. You have born witness to certain events in my life that have altered a certain part of me, filled a part of my heart with a specific kind of anger but more importantly have tampered with my belief in the sanctity of marriage. You are not alien to this feeling but unlike me your hope remains whole. Thank you for never saying i was wrong to feel the way i do, thank you for sticking with me until the day i change my mind.
We have spent a very long time together and if anything i hope that this could stand as a testament to the fact that no woman can change a man or simply will a man to change. Proximity and tenderness may help but they sure wont get the job done.
There is no sure way to tell if you are not just being frivolously hopeful if you think you see something intrinsically good in a person. There is always the off chance that you are horribly wrong, i mean i couldve been wrong about you. Forgive the atrocious phrasing but I saw something in you that made me want to stick it out, even if it was just to make sure you would not do serious and permanent harm to yourself.
You have a big heart, you do not limit the recipients of your kindness and fair judgement. You get things done with quiet determination and without the need for extravagant recognition. You are a wonderful person, maybe i dont tell you that often enough but there you go.
Sometimes i feel like between the both of us ,despite my efforts, i have become the weaker one but you are kind enough to assure me everyday that those feelings are unfounded, that i am more than enough.
You are never to be taken for granted, not by me, not by anyone.
You are a blessing.
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